November 2009
1 post
76. Shemps Old Fashioned Steak Sauce
Just who the hell is Shemp? Certainly not the Shemp of Stooges fame? Why does Aussie owned Food Imagineering go out of its way to mindfuck consumers with over the top patriotic branding? Is there some sort of Rupert Murdoch clone taking over bottling plants? How does a sauce with a stellar list of ingredients (orange juice, molasses, raisin paste, tamarind, anchovies etc.) manage to taste so bland...
October 2009
2 posts
75. Mang Tomas All Purpose Sauce
You’ve got to hand it to the Pinoys, they always stay true to their school. This funky elixir originated at that most famous of all Filipino lechonerias: Mang Tomas. Originally a butcher, Mang Tomas made his mark selling roasted pig to the cock fight crowd of La Loma; his sauce soon became as famous as his meat. The brand has since been sold to the Reyes family who run the Aristocrat chain...
74. Nando's Extra Hot Peri-Peri Sauce.
This Portuguese/South African chicken franchise is a brand so in love with itself that it’s hard to stomach. Whether denying that chili peppers come from America, hyping the bullshit of “Portugasm” or scamming Muslims this purposely politically incorrect chain is really chickenshit. Their sauces suck too but not as bad as their faux chicken Mozambique. Avoid when abroad or in...
September 2009
2 posts
73. Melinda's Habanero Ketchup
Made in Costa Rica but brought to you courtesy of the Figueroa Brothers of Dallas Texas. Taking a tip from Malcom Gladwell, the brothers have riffed on ketchup (Chipolte, Jalapeno, Banana) while still employing the iconic Heinz bottle shape to calm shaky nerves. Who”ll be the first to bring back traditional Roman ketchup? Gus’ Garum perhaps?
72. Raye's Down East Schooner Mustard
Originally started in Maine to provide mustard for sardine canneries, few associate the yellow stuff with fish anymore. This Raye’s mustard habitually wins “best American classic style” at competitions which is like winning the “best American lager style” at beer events. Be that as it may, Down East Schooner blows away French’s Yellow and brightens up any...
July 2009
2 posts
71. Tajin Fruit Seasoning
Although currently hyped as a diet aide, its real popularity in El Norte is as an ingredient in Micheladas. One would hope that gabachos would sprinkle some on fruit instead of wasting it in beer. Tajin first commercialized “powdered salsa” in 1985, recognizing an emerging Mexican middle class that would buy a product that in the past was put together on the fly. Tajin has a large...
70. Santo Domingo Pimentón De La Vera
Okay, paprika if you must but Spain is where pimentón arrived from the Americas. De La Vera refers to the growing region in Extramadura and is more important than any specific brand of the dried/smoked chile powder. The aristocrat Margit Szechy is largely credited with introducing chile peppers to Hungary and her children bickered over her valuable garden plots when she died. The Turks most likely...
June 2009
2 posts
2 tags
69. Kewpie Mayonnaise
Maybe it’s the MSG or the ultra fetished packaging that turns on so many to this Japanese condiment. Seaweed extract was the original umani (deep flavor) source in Japan before the Ajinomoto Corporation isolated and patented MSG in 1909. That same year Rose O’Neill introduced the Kewpie Doll comic strip in Ladies’ Home Journal. Hard to believe that two nations that share a love...
2 tags
68. Yamasa Ponzu Shoyu Yuzu Sauce
Ponzu is a generic term for a citrus based vinegar sauce that usually has a splash of soy sauce in it. The Yuzu fruit is a cross between a Mandarin Orange and a Ichang Lemon. Yamasa has been in business since 1645 and opened a huge soy sauce factory in Oregon in 1992. There have been many raised eyebrows in Japan recently with the rise of non-Japanese sushi chefs in the United States. Shabu-shabu...
May 2009
5 posts
3 tags
67. Sweet Hot Mister Mustard
Currently made in Passaic New Jersey, Paul Fischer bought the Mister Mustard brand from Durkee three decades ago. Interestingly, the original recipe goes back to Jacob Frank of Frank’s Red Hot sauce fame who dined out with his own mustard pot just like King Louis XI of France. Regional mid-market mustards inspire fierce loyalty in the midwest and east and have managed to hold on to some of...
3 tags
66. "House Rayu" Hot Sesame Oil
Pins the fetish meter with a beautifully designed little totem bottle that dispenses its ruby red elixir using a tiny pump. “Taste and Comfort” is the motto of House Foods Corporation of Tokyo which became famous for its solid Indian curry roux back in the sixties. Ramen shops are taking on pho restaurants in an all out noodle war for the heart and soul of American slurpers. Dry...
2 tags
65. Il Primo Giardiniera Hot Mix
As NYC’s egalitarian nature fades, Chicago keeps the ethnic traditions alive. Il Primo’s Giardiniera is de riguer on Italian Beef sandwiches. Il Primo uses serrano peppers in their hot mix which has not gone unnoticed among Chicago’s growing Mexican community. “Giardiniera” literally translates as “female gardener”. Italian Beef is best eaten by creating a...
1 tag
64. Inglehoffer Creamy Dill Mustard
Probably the best known brand from Oregon’s Beaverton Foods, Inglehoffer goes after true mustard heads with a variety of mustards sold in small fetish type jars. The company was started by Rose Biggi, an Italian immigrant who exploited the excellent local horseradish grown in beaver dam soil. Inglehoffer is a made up name; the lower-brow Beaver brand has some excellent mustards as well....
3 tags
63. Herdez Salsa Casera
Herdez sells more salsa than anyone in the States and is a favorite among actual Mexicans. The brand is now owned by Hormel (the company that Spam built), but originally it was the Del Castillo and Pons Hernandez clans that brought mass market quality to Mexican shoppers. Besides the casera, Herdez makes an excellent salsa verde as well as a ranchera that provides a decent mole for chicken or...
April 2009
4 posts
2 tags
62. Stubb's Original Bar-B-Q Sauce
After several health department violations Stubb commented “what’s barbecue without a couple of rats?” Chased out of Lubbock before landing in Austin, Stubb protested that he “couldn’t fight the IRS with barbecue and sauce”. Stubb’s bottled sauces are generally tepid but his rubs are excellent. Please don’t confuse grilling with BBQ, it annoys the...
2 tags
61. World Harbors Cuban Style Mojo Sauce &...
How this provincial little company in Maine got picked up by Trinidad’s largest privately held conglomerate (CL Financial) can only be guessed at. World Harbors puts out various “ethnic” sauce & marinade products whose main ingredients seem to be water and HFCS. CL Financial also owns Angostura Bitters and currently suffers from a huge liquidity crisis. Stiff drink, anyone?
2 tags
60. Bull's-Eye Original Barbecue Sauce
Courtesy of Kraft, who else? Established market share in the eighties by sponsoring rodeos and other redneck events. Bull’s-Eye lost the Burger King account to Sweet Baby Ray’s, a much hipper sauce. “The Big, Bold Taste of Bull’s-Eye” sounds like a porn movie. Like Mexican salsas, you should really make your own.
2 tags
59. Lingham's Chilli Sauce
Originally made for Colonial tastes, many Malaysians believed that Lingham’s was a British product. Echoing Norman Nash and his Jamaican Pickapeppa sauce, Mr. Lingham hawked his backyard brewed elixir by going door to door in Penang on his bicycle; he eventually sold the recipe to a local Chinese family. The brand is marketed in the States as Lingham’s Hot Sauce, a needless mistake....
March 2009
4 posts
2 tags
58. Smith and Wollensky Steak Sauce
A very good sauce from a mediocre chain owned by T.G.I. Friday’s. The names “Smith” and “Wollensky” were plucked randomnly from the NYC phone book, allegedly. Ads featuring professional golfer Craig “The Walrus” Stadler were made to create brand appeal and lure investors thereby inflating the stock price. Ironically, the legendary authentic Peter Luger...
3 tags
57. Nutella
The foundation of the Ferrero empire, hard to exaggerate how much Nutella has been smeared all over Italian pop culture. Parisians love theirs in crepes with sliced banana. This hazelnut and chocolate spread is mostly sugar and oil. World Nutella Day is February 5th. Very sexy stuff.
2 tags
56. Honeycup Mustard
More honey than mustard, “uniquely sharp” it ain’t. Probably better used as a glaze or to impress a dainty mother-in-law. Bees carry an electrostatic charge that is used in pollination. Honey pot has a myriad of meanings from sexual to scatalogical to technological. Egyptians used honey for embalming purposes. Made in Canada.
2 tags
55. J&D's Baconnaise
From the dweebs who brought the world BaconSalt. Not as silly as it sounds; using fat drippings for making mayo has been around forever. Hard to say whether Jon Stewart gagging on it will hurt or help. The BLT is perhaps the greatest American sandwich. In the States, per capita consumption of bacon amounts to 18 pounds a year. Squeal like a pig?
January 2009
17 posts
3 tags
54. El Yucateco
Pretty much started the habanero craze. Both the green and red versions owe their brightness to artificial coloring, the Kutbil-ik version is naturally colored and hot as hell. The Scoville test involves diluting pepper extract into sugar water until five testers can no longer detect the burn. Chiles are fruits, not vegetables. Yucateco has its own pepper fields down in the Yucatan and was quite...
2 tags
53. Henderson's Relish
This cult fave from Sheffield is not a relish at all but a vinegar based sauce that can be found in local fish and chips shops. The Yorkshire dialect is not slang and goes back to Old English. Sheffield is England’s musical ground zero and has produced countless bands of international stature. It’s all in the sauce, apparently.
52. Gaucho Ranch Chimichurri
Easy to make, silly to buy. The etymology is fuzzy and somewhat sad. Jimmy McCurry? James C. Hurray? “Give me the curry?” More likely is some Italian bastardization since the sauce’s roots are firmly planted in northern Italy. Gauchos suffer more existential angst than your average cowboy and prefer red wine to whiskey.
2 tags
51. Cholula Hot Sauce
Made in Mexico for the gabacho market who gladly pay double for the wooden cap. Could be blamed for the cute marketing of hot sauces along with that certain poster by Jennifer T. Thompson; no surprise that she has since turned her attention to microbrews. Yawn.
2 tags
50. Sarson's Malt Vinegar
Not to be confused with the cheaper “non-brewed condiment” vinegars popularized by killjoys back in temperance era England. Regardless of religion, fish and chips is a traditional Friday night meal throughout Britain. Bradford, Halifax and Keighly form the “Haddock Triangle”, cod is an increasingly rare find everywhere else. In a fit of Victorian branding the...
1 tag
49. Durkee Famous Sauce
Allegedly went west in covered wagons and was loved by Honest Abe. Like many other condiment makers, Eugene R. Durkee started as a druggist and wound up in Brooklyn. Durkee got ahead of the competition by registering his trademarks, not common at the time. Durkee’s hexagon shaped chili sauce bottle is the holy grail for bottle collectors.
1 tag
48. Ballymaloe Country Relish
Straight outta East Cork Ireland. “Country” relishes run the gambit ingredient-wise but in Ireland they are generally tomato based. Ballymaloe’s celebrity chef Tim Allen was convicted of downloading kiddie porn back in 2003 but has made a nice comeback with a recent spread in Town & Country. The Holy Joes are not amused.
1 tag
47. Flor Do Pereiro Piri-Piri
From Angola/Mozambique to Portugal to Brazil to Newark’s Ironbound, the African birdseye is one hell of a pepper. Nandos, a South African chicken chain has done much to popularize “peri-peri” but their food is mediocre at best. Most Portuguese and Brazilian restaurants make their own piri-piri, often with an opening that only allows a dribble; feel free to unscrew the cap and let...
2 tags
46. Baxters Mint Jelly
Mint jelly or sauce was originally used to mask the dank foulness of mutton, not lamb. The serving of mutton to US soldiers destroyed any chance of America developing a taste for lamb after the war. Scotswoman Ena Baxter, developed many of the company’s products straight from her garden; she is also an accomplished painter. Well done lass.
1 tag
45. Vegemite
As Aussie as roos or surfing, not to be mucked with. Like the Brits’ Marmite which it replaced, the dun colored paste comes from leftover brewer’s yeast, a byproduct of making beer. Oddly, Kraft has owned the brand since the 1920’s, yet the FDA bans imports of Vegemite due to some of its healthier additives. Four times as salty as seawater. Yum.
1 tag
44. The Gentleman's Relish
Much easier to say than patum peperium. Anchovy based secret recipe goes back to England’s John Osborn in 1828 but has been reversed engineered by several kitchen labcoats. All European fishy condiments can be traced to the Roman’s beloved garum. One can imagine Hillary taking a tin up Everest or Churchill spreading it on toast. Refined.
2 tags
43. Island Heat Crushed Chili Pepper Sauce
Made by Tropical Pepper Co. down in Costa Rica for the Caribbean market, look for the Toucan logo for other fine products. The scotch bonnet gets its name from the tam o’ shanter cap which itself was named for the subject and title of Robert Burns’ epic poem. Costa Rica has the highest Latin American ranking on the Life Satisfaction Index and plans to be the first carbon neutral...
2 tags
42. Cracovia Horseradish With Beets
A match made in Polish heaven. The Cracovia brand itself goes back to 1990 with the vacuum created by perestroika. They initially imported a lot of booze and currently wheel and deal throughout Eastern Europe as well as France and Canada. Philadelphia’s Polish mob is known as the Kielbasa Posse, NY’s Greenpoint Crew was taken down in 2006. Na zdrowie!
1 tag
41. Dynasty Chinese Duck Sauce
No quack involved, the name comes from bastardized Chinese restaurants in the USA serving the sweet jam like sauce with Peking Duck. Hoisin would be a better choice to spread on the steamed pancakes that accompany the bird. The first Chinese joints in the States appeared in the 19th century and followed the railroads with their coolie labor. In real life, Bonanza’a Hop Sing was shot in the...
1 tag
40. Hunt's Tomato Ketchup
Hunt’s is Miller to Heinz’s Bud, the perpetual red headed stepchild. The debate picked up traction in 2004 with the right demonizing Teresa Heinz Kerry yet conveniently forgetting the altruistic liberalism of Hunt’s late great Norton Simon. Anyone who seriously gives a shit one way or the other can be found at either McDonald’s or Burger King drinking Coke or Pepsi.
2 tags
39. Lottie's Traditional Barbados Hot Pepper Sauce
Barbados is known for its yellow, mustard based hot sauces. The Carribean’s scotch bonnet pepper is related to the habanero and has similar heat. No one knows exactly why the Portuguese named the island “the bearded ones” or why the Brits didn’t change the name later on. Lottie used to sell life insurance before starting the business in 1985. Flying fish with cou-cou is...
1 tag
38. Jufran Banana Sauce
No, not juice. Banana sauce or ketchup is a Pinoy staple and a main ingredient in Filipino spaghetti: a stoner’s dream but a diabetic’s nightmare. Banana ketchup is also popular in the Carribean where it is less sweet and more complex. Red Dye #40 has been linked to everything from migraines in adults to temper tantrums in children. Questionable all around.
December 2008
18 posts
1 tag
37. Pickapeppa Sauce
Mix it with cream cheese and you got the “big easy”. Although owned by the Jamaican-Chinese Lyn Kee Chow family, the sauce was originally brewed by Norman Nash in his kitchen. Nowadays, this sublime mango/tamarind/raisin elixir is aged in oak barrels for a year. Located in Shooters Hill, the company employs 42 people. Vegetarian, rasta approved.
3 tags
36. Woeber's Cranberry Horseradish Sauce
Just one of many in Woeber’s “Sandwich Pal” series, a true gift to humanity and appropiately squeezeable. German founder Carl Woeber wound up in Springfield Ohio; there are 34 Springfields in the USA. The suffix “wich” in English placenames means there was salt produced nearby. The fourth Earl of Sandwich liked to eat his while playing cribbage, a game very popular...
2 tags
35. Sambal Oelek
Just as sriracha refers to a style of hot sauce, sambal is a generic name for ground chili paste with many different varieties. The oelek refers to the ancient mortar and pestle used to make it. In the States, Huy Fong’s rooster rules the roost just like with sriracha. Burns going down and coming out, but not unpleasantly so. The Sambals were fierce natives of the Philippines who executed...
1 tag
34. Cains Tartar Sauce
A New England stalwart that’s found in many seafood restaurants of good reputation. It’s “tartare” everywhere else and the French served it with the raw shredded meat and egg that sends chills down vegetarians spines. One shouldn’t confuse the Mongols with the Tartars in learned company.
2 tags
33. Monari Federzoni Balsamic Vinegar of Modena
Lots of confusion here, encouraged by the Italian producers of which Monari Federzoni is the most guilty. Unless it’s aged 12 years, you haven’t had the real McCoy. Despite huffy protests, Joe Queenan’s “Balsamic Dreams” is an accurate assessment of Boomer values and their hipster progeny.
1 tag
32. Maille Dijon Originale
Owned by Unilever, but still classy and good. Developed by condiment genius Antoine-Claude Maille back in 1747, the Dijon area had already been famous for its mustards for centuries. The French Pope Paul XXII added a “moutardier” to the Vatican payroll. The American version is made in Canada; the old Dijon factory will close in 2009 to the tears of many.
2 tags
31. Trappey's Red Devil Cayenne Pepper Sauce
Accused of treason by the Avery Island bunch, B.F. Trappey had ten sons to help him get the business going. After a century long legal battle, the McIlhenny’s actually controlled the brand in the 90’s before selling it off. Trappey’s is still a very working class hot sauce found throughout the south, mild yet Lucifer approved. The original Anchor Bar wing recipe calls for Franks...
3 tags
30. Veri Veri Teriyaki
Courtesy of Soy Vay, Asian fever straight out of Humbolt County. Teriyaki is strictly a marinade in Japan. The teriyaki burger is a worldwide phenomena. The founders first marketed Veri Veri as a “chinese sauce”, the inventer is from Hong Kong. Kosher, naturally.
29. Le Phare du Cap Bon Harissa
North African godhead but particularly associated with Tunisia. Like Mexican salsas, most natives make their own. The last man to be guillotined in France had tortured women by smearing harissa on their vaginas. Like wasabi, harissa is available in a tube. Several brands of harissa were recently recalled due to their containing Sudan 1 red dye, a known carcinogen.
1 tag
28. Maple Grove Farms Maple Syrup
A “sugar shack” is a building where syrup is collected and boiled, the hit song was recorded in Clovis, New Mexico in 1963. It takes 10 gallons of sap to make a quart of syrup. Maple syrup is graded based on strength and color. In Quebec, they joke that imitation syrup is tapped from telephone poles. High Fructose Corn Syrup is evil, period.
2 tags
27. Sushi Sonic Real Wasabi
If necessary, wasabi can be used as a very expensive toothpaste. Wasabi is related to but distinct from horseradish. Most wasabi served in restaurants or sold in stores is a fraud due to the expense and difficulty of growing the real deal. Traditional graters are made from sharkskin. Like crack cocaine, wasabi provides an initial rush that fades quickly leaving one desperate for more.