November 2008
18 posts
1 tag
19. Major Grey's Mango Chutney
No relation to Earl, the Major was stationed in India and went a little native. A big seller in the States, Major Grey’s is to chutney what Pace is to salsa, tolerable at best. The difference between a relish and a chutney is negligible. There are hundreds of chutneys both wet and dry. “All things chickeney and mutt’ny taste better far when served with chutney”. Indeed.
1 tag
18. Gold's Horseradish
A pilgrimage to Collinsville, Illinois is mandatory for every condiment lover. Cherished by Jews and Gentiles alike, horseradish is an integral element of many Passover and Easter dishes. Fresh grated horseradish root is volatile, but loses its pungency unless preserved in vinegar or some other acidic compound. Like so much of America, Gold’s Horseradish was conceived in a Brooklyn apartment...
1 tag
17. HP Sauce
Ubiquitous over the pond and in colonial backwaters like Santa Monica, CA. Very distinct bottle with Parliament and Big Ben on the label. Despite mutual hatred, the label through the 60’s was also in French. Sadly but not surprising, this most English of condiments is now exclusively manufactured in Holland and Spain. Errr… pass the brown sauce Harold, ta.
1 tag
16. Hidden Valley Ranch Dressing
Another 70’s juggernaut. Although other commercial dressings (Wish-Bone’s Italian, Kraft Thousand Island, etc.) were big sellers, most households could make their own versions. Not so with Hidden Valley Ranch, which took the nation by storm after Clorox puchased the brand from a former hobo in 1972. Buttermilk sales skyrocketed with the growing popularity of the original dry mix...
1 tag
15. KC Masterpiece Barbeque Sauce
It’s easy to forget about the big commercial BBQ sauces since they’re all the same. Bullseye, Hunts, KC… does anyone care? BBQ is not grilling and the former is all about the dry rub, temp/smoke control and carcass quality. The legendary Stubbs once complained “what’s BBQ without a couple rats?” KC Masterpiece was founded by psychiatrist Rich Davis who also...
3 tags
14. Sriracha Hot Chili Sauce
It’s telling that chef Rick Bayless can’t live without it. Sriracha is the generic name for Thai style hot sauce throughout Southeast Asia. In the US, the cock rules and Huy Fong Foods really have no competition. Some call it “rooster sauce.” There are five different languages on every bottle. Huy Fong was the name of the freighter that company founder David Tran left...
1 tag
13. Grey Poupon Dijon Mustard
The first baby boomer foodie phenomenon. Somewhat inferior after Kraft bought the brand in 1982. The US version was never manufactured in France and uses Canadian mustard seed. After the invasion of Iraq, a Republican representative announced on the floor of Congress that he had removed Grey Poupon from his cupboard to protest French foreign policy. Perhaps prematurely, Grey Poupon launched, then...
1 tag
12. Vlasic Sweet Relish
Not quite the neon green that a Chicago Dog requires but close enough. The difference between a chutney and a relish is purely geographical and/or cultural. Jalapenos have replaced pickles in many households. Vlasic recently held a “be the stork” contest that encouraged obnoxious eating habits. At one time, the Groucho inspired bird promoted birth control.
2 tags
11. Pace Picante Sauce
Despite huge sales, no commercial salsa brand in the US has yet to achieve iconic status. Pace’s original ad campaign was a forerunner of red/blue state political strategy. Pace is to salsa what Tex Mex is to cuisine, dubious at best. Fresh salsa can be hazardous to one’s health. The founder David Pace liked his coffee spiked with picante sauce.
1 tag
10. Miracle Whip
Kraft’s revenge against Hellmann’s is best served cold. Also known as Trailer Park Alioli. A Waldorf Salad can be made with mayo or yogurt, with Miracle Whip it becomes a White Trash Salad. An acquired taste, easy to mock, hard to swallow. Can become a dealbreaker if spotted in a fridge on a first date. Its defenders are often Libertarians.
2 tags
9. Kikkoman Soy Sauce
“Umani” is the latest kitchen buzz word. Kikkoman’s tabletop dispenser was designed by Kenji Ekuan, the father of the bullet train. In Japan, conscription was avoided by downing great quantities of soy sauce. Cheap hydrolyzed sauces are nasty, when it comes to condiments, natural fermentation seldom disappoints. The label’s hexagon represents a tortoise shell.
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8. Lea & Perrins Worcestershire Sauce
The old joke “what’s this here sauce” still get laughs. Lea & Perrins were English chemists/druggists who got lucky. Used in countless cuisines from Peruvian ceviche to Hong Kong dim sum, Worcestershire sauce is a classic case of colonial blowback and forth again. The English version is better and worth driving to Canada for. Fermented fish sauces were popular in Roman Times...
3 tags
7. A1 Steak Sauce
The fall of mankind could be attributed to the removal of anchovies and the addition of corn syrup to A1. Prohibitively expensive, it usually can be found on sale around BBQ-centric holidays. Despite the 1980’s ad campaign, A1 has never been popular on hambugers. Like other successful condiments, the original bottle is distinctive and pleasing to hold. No one says A1 anymore to express...
2 tags
6. Tabasco
More fetish object than hot sauce, the two ounce bottle rivals Heinz Ketchup’s sublime design. Low on the Scoville Scale, only the salt is exclusively from Avery Island. The Mcllhenny family owns all the stock and are not fond of the nutria. Tabasco has been consumed in Tora Bora and Outer Space. The mash is hard on machinery. Despite several new versions, there is only one Tabasco.
1 tag
5. French's Yellow Mustard
“Classic” has been added to the label to reinforce the obvious. The bright yellow color is to be found nowhere in nature. The winner of Nathan’s Hot Dog Eating Contest receives the Mustard Belt. Old people often recall eating mustard sandwiches during the depression. Unlike ketchup and mayo, the squeeze bottle is an improvement.
2 tags
4. Hellmann's Mayonnaise
If a condiment could somehow embody the ethereal it would be mayo. Who can deny Hellmann’s motto “Bring Out The Best?” Marriages have been threatened by adding too much to the tuna fish. Mayo often gets a bum rap when people get the squirts after a picnic. Everyone knows how to make their own, but they never do. Many teenage jokes involve mayo.
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3. Heinz Ketchup
Nixon liked his on cottage cheese while Ratzo Rizzo slathered it on saltines. Many Dads complain about cold ketchup on hot food. Ketchup goes with everything and with nothing. The original Heinz has a beautifully designed bottle with a Masonic 57 placed in the perfect tapping point. Its history as a fermented fish sauce or mushroom derived elixir is moot, we all know what catsup is.
1 tag
2. McCormick Black Pepper
Peppercorns are actually the dried fruit of a flowering vine. Salt and pepper are properly classified as seasonings. French cuisine prefers white pepper which is milder and has been ripened on the vine. Sichuan pepper is not related to black pepper or to chili pepper but will blow your head clean off. McCormick’s would like everyone to throw out their old spices and buy new ones. Funny, they...