The Condiment Station

76. Shemps Old Fashioned Steak Sauce

Wed, 11 Nov 2009 14:57:00 -0700

Just who the hell is Shemp? Certainly not the Shemp of Stooges fame? Why does Aussie owned Food Imagineering go out of its way to mindfuck consumers with over the top patriotic branding? Is there some sort of Rupert Murdoch clone taking over bottling plants? How does a sauce with a stellar list of ingredients (orange juice, molasses, raisin paste, tamarind, anchovies etc.) manage to taste so bland and insipid? For the love of carcass, we need some answers here!

75. Mang Tomas All Purpose Sauce

Mon, 19 Oct 2009 08:01:00 -0700

You’ve got to hand it to the Pinoys, they always stay true to their school. This funky elixir originated at that most famous of all Filipino lechonerias: Mang Tomas. Originally a butcher, Mang Tomas made his mark selling roasted pig to the cock fight crowd of La Loma; his sauce soon became as famous as his meat. The brand has since been sold to the Reyes family who run the Aristocrat chain of restaurants in the Philippines. All purpose? Sure, if you’re a liver freak.

74. Nando's Extra Hot Peri-Peri Sauce.

Thu, 01 Oct 2009 11:00:00 -0700

This Portuguese/South African chicken franchise is a brand so in love with itself that it’s hard to stomach. Whether denying that chili peppers come from America, hyping the bullshit of “Portugasm” or scamming Muslims this purposely politically incorrect chain is really chickenshit. Their sauces suck too but not as bad as their faux chicken Mozambique. Avoid when abroad or in D.C.

73. Melinda's Habanero Ketchup

Tue, 22 Sep 2009 08:52:00 -0700

Made in Costa Rica but brought to you courtesy of the Figueroa Brothers of Dallas Texas. Taking a tip from Malcom Gladwell, the brothers have riffed on ketchup (Chipolte, Jalapeno, Banana) while still employing the iconic Heinz bottle shape to calm shaky nerves. Who”ll be the first to bring back traditional Roman ketchup? Gus’ Garum perhaps?

72. Raye's Down East Schooner Mustard

Thu, 17 Sep 2009 08:36:00 -0700

Originally started in Maine to provide mustard for sardine canneries, few associate the yellow stuff with fish anymore. This Raye’s mustard habitually wins “best American classic style” at competitions which is like winning the “best American lager style” at beer events. Be that as it may, Down East Schooner blows away French’s Yellow and brightens up any sandwich or dog. Cool shaped jar as well.

71. Tajin Fruit Seasoning

Thu, 30 Jul 2009 06:40:00 -0700

Although currently hyped as a diet aide, its real popularity in El Norte is as an ingredient in Micheladas. One would hope that gabachos would sprinkle some on fruit instead of wasting it in beer. Tajin first commercialized “powdered salsa” in 1985, recognizing an emerging Mexican middle class that would buy a product that in the past was put together on the fly. Tajin has a large global footprint after rebranding in 2001 but ground zero is still the local Mexican fruit stand or taqueria. Seek and you shall find.

70. Santo Domingo Pimentón De La Vera

Wed, 22 Jul 2009 05:27:00 -0700

Okay, paprika if you must but Spain is where pimentón arrived from the Americas. De La Vera refers to the growing region in Extramadura and is more important than any specific brand of the dried/smoked chile powder. The aristocrat Margit Szechy is largely credited with introducing chile peppers to Hungary and her children bickered over her valuable garden plots when she died. The Turks most likely were the main vectors of the chile into Central Europe after knocking heads with the Portuguese at the Battle of Diu. War might be hell but has often enriched lackluster cuisines.

69. Kewpie Mayonnaise

Wed, 10 Jun 2009 10:15:00 -0700

Maybe it’s the MSG or the ultra fetished packaging that turns on so many to this Japanese condiment. Seaweed extract was the original umani (deep flavor) source in Japan before the Ajinomoto Corporation isolated and patented MSG in 1909. That same year Rose O’Neill introduced the Kewpie Doll comic strip in Ladies’ Home Journal. Hard to believe that two nations that share a love of weird little dolls and mayonnaise could ever have gone to war.

68. Yamasa Ponzu Shoyu Yuzu Sauce

Fri, 05 Jun 2009 09:44:00 -0700

Ponzu is a generic term for a citrus based vinegar sauce that usually has a splash of soy sauce in it. The Yuzu fruit is a cross between a Mandarin Orange and a Ichang Lemon. Yamasa has been in business since 1645 and opened a huge soy sauce factory in Oregon in 1992. There have been many raised eyebrows in Japan recently with the rise of non-Japanese sushi chefs in the United States. Shabu-shabu sounds fun to eat and it is. Hai!

67. Sweet Hot Mister Mustard

Wed, 27 May 2009 08:39:00 -0700

Currently made in Passaic New Jersey, Paul Fischer bought the Mister Mustard brand from Durkee three decades ago. Interestingly, the original recipe goes back to Jacob Frank of Frank’s Red Hot sauce fame who dined out with his own mustard pot just like King Louis XI of France. Regional mid-market mustards inspire fierce loyalty in the midwest and east and have managed to hold on to some of the ever shrinking shelf space in the major grocery chains. Keep up the good fight mustard heads!

66. "House Rayu" Hot Sesame Oil

Tue, 26 May 2009 09:55:00 -0700

Pins the fetish meter with a beautifully designed little totem bottle that dispenses its ruby red elixir using a tiny pump. “Taste and Comfort” is the motto of House Foods Corporation of Tokyo which became famous for its solid Indian curry roux back in the sixties. Ramen shops are taking on pho restaurants in an all out noodle war for the heart and soul of American slurpers. Dry cleaners will certainly benefit.

65. Il Primo Giardiniera Hot Mix

Fri, 15 May 2009 09:24:00 -0700

As NYC’s egalitarian nature fades, Chicago keeps the ethnic traditions alive. Il Primo’s Giardiniera is de riguer on Italian Beef sandwiches. Il Primo uses serrano peppers in their hot mix which has not gone unnoticed among Chicago’s growing Mexican community. “Giardiniera” literally translates as “female gardener”. Italian Beef is best eaten by creating a safety drip zone from mouth to countertop. Vive bene!

64. Inglehoffer Creamy Dill Mustard

Mon, 11 May 2009 09:07:00 -0700

Probably the best known brand from Oregon’s Beaverton Foods, Inglehoffer goes after true mustard heads with a variety of mustards sold in small fetish type jars. The company was started by Rose Biggi, an Italian immigrant who exploited the excellent local horseradish grown in beaver dam soil. Inglehoffer is a made up name; the lower-brow Beaver brand has some excellent mustards as well. Current president George Biggi is a no nonsense 80 year old badass who still has plenty of mustard on his fastball. Rose would be proud.

63. Herdez Salsa Casera

Mon, 04 May 2009 08:42:00 -0700

Herdez sells more salsa than anyone in the States and is a favorite among actual Mexicans. The brand is now owned by Hormel (the company that Spam built), but originally it was the Del Castillo and Pons Hernandez clans that brought mass market quality to Mexican shoppers. Besides the casera, Herdez makes an excellent salsa verde as well as a ranchera that provides a decent mole for chicken or pork. The pop-top cans contain the perfect amount of salsa to accompany a meal; only gabachos buy Herdez in a glass container.

62. Stubb's Original Bar-B-Q Sauce

Mon, 27 Apr 2009 09:11:00 -0700

After several health department violations Stubb commented “what’s barbecue without a couple of rats?” Chased out of Lubbock before landing in Austin, Stubb protested that he “couldn’t fight the IRS with barbecue and sauce”. Stubb’s bottled sauces are generally tepid but his rubs are excellent. Please don’t confuse grilling with BBQ, it annoys the pig.

61. World Harbors Cuban Style Mojo Sauce & Marinade

Wed, 22 Apr 2009 13:27:00 -0700

How this provincial little company in Maine got picked up by Trinidad’s largest privately held conglomerate (CL Financial) can only be guessed at. World Harbors puts out various “ethnic” sauce & marinade products whose main ingredients seem to be water and HFCS. CL Financial also owns Angostura Bitters and currently suffers from a huge liquidity crisis. Stiff drink, anyone?

60. Bull's-Eye Original Barbecue Sauce

Mon, 20 Apr 2009 08:21:00 -0700

Courtesy of Kraft, who else? Established market share in the eighties by sponsoring rodeos and other redneck events. Bull’s-Eye lost the Burger King account to Sweet Baby Ray’s, a much hipper sauce. “The Big, Bold Taste of Bull’s-Eye” sounds like a porn movie. Like Mexican salsas, you should really make your own.

59. Lingham's Chilli Sauce

Wed, 08 Apr 2009 09:05:00 -0700

Originally made for Colonial tastes, many Malaysians believed that Lingham’s was a British product. Echoing Norman Nash and his Jamaican Pickapeppa sauce, Mr. Lingham hawked his backyard brewed elixir by going door to door in Penang on his bicycle; he eventually sold the recipe to a local Chinese family. The brand is marketed in the States as Lingham’s Hot Sauce, a needless mistake. “The World’s Finest Multi-Use Condiment”, perhaps it is.

58. Smith and Wollensky Steak Sauce

Mon, 16 Mar 2009 09:05:00 -0700

A very good sauce from a mediocre chain owned by T.G.I. Friday’s. The names “Smith” and “Wollensky” were plucked randomnly from the NYC phone book, allegedly. Ads featuring professional golfer Craig “The Walrus” Stadler were made to create brand appeal and lure investors thereby inflating the stock price. Ironically, the legendary authentic Peter Luger Steak House sells its own inferior sauce while Keens doesn’t even bother. Medium rare please, of course.

57. Nutella

Wed, 11 Mar 2009 08:44:00 -0700

The foundation of the Ferrero empire, hard to exaggerate how much Nutella has been smeared all over Italian pop culture. Parisians love theirs in crepes with sliced banana. This hazelnut and chocolate spread is mostly sugar and oil. World Nutella Day is February 5th. Very sexy stuff.